I went to church this morning. I was feeling so fine when I got off the bed, and I even picked up a dress which was one of my favorites. But through the homily, my chest felt heavy.
Horrors went through my head. It wasn’t the first time I felt it, and I swear to heavens I never want to feel it again. Images of the ICU room plagued my mind, and as much as I wanted to relax, my body just wouldn’t cooperate. My heart beat faster. I lost concentration on the mass. I prayed, not now, please… my mantra went as I looked at the altar. But I continued to feel the unease, and right after the Holy Communion, I went home. As sat on my bed again, I just remembered what the gospel was about.
In my little moment of discomfort, I knew I didn’t doubt God entirely, yet I didn’t trust Him fully. I was clouded by fear that my intubation would happen again (it always does in April). But I perfectly know as well this shouldn’t be an excuse, for the Lord has shown me in million ways that He never really abandoned me. Maybe I am the one who needs to do total abandonment.
Let us all pray to the Lord that He grants us the grace to believe and trust Him. No matter what the circumstances are.
Have a blessed Sunday!