Without a Doubt

I went to church this morning. I was feeling so fine when I got off the bed, and I even picked up a dress which was one of my favorites. But through the homily, my chest felt heavy.

Horrors went through my head. It wasn’t the first time I felt it, and I swear to heavens I never want to feel it again. Images of the ICU room plagued my mind, and as much as I wanted to relax, my body just wouldn’t cooperate. My heart beat faster. I lost concentration on the mass. I prayed, not now, please… my mantra went as I looked at the altar. But I continued to feel the unease, and right after the Holy Communion, I went home. As sat on my bed again, I just remembered what the gospel was about.

Doubting Thomas.

In my little moment of discomfort, I knew I didn’t doubt God entirely, yet I didn’t trust Him fully. I was clouded by fear that my intubation would happen again (it always does in April). But I perfectly know as well this shouldn’t be an excuse, for the Lord has shown me in million ways that He never really abandoned me. Maybe I am the one who needs to do total abandonment.

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Let us all pray to the Lord that He grants us the grace to believe and trust Him. No matter what the circumstances are.

Have a blessed Sunday!

xoxo,

Beth G.

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